It was brought to my attention last night the motive of a kiss, a topic I had not often considered from the other side. Sure, I know my own reasons and they are not always, in fact are very rarely pure. “At least you know my motive” he told me, as if it was a privilege to do so, and it was. Albeit not a sound motive, an honest one and I stopped to think that he was a lot like me, actually.
Had I known the motive before, really? I’d always assumed I was the motive, arrogant as that is. A little ignorant, perhaps. It was a competition between him and his brother, between him and his friend, between him and his enemy all rolled into one. I’d had relations with said three people and he wanted a taste, as though he’d been left out. Hell, if I had that much motive I’d say it straight up too. What better way to achieve? He of course was going to report back to the brother, friend and enemy after the fact, as if it would have made him win in some way. What I was curious about though, was what defined the winning. If I was to kiss him would it be the feeling it created in him, or the feelings it created in brother, friend and enemy?
“You don’t get to kiss me if that is the motive.” I told him, pride burning, knowing I deserved something more when really; I should have encouraged his honesty. As I said it I wondered: should we reveal our motive, just how much difference would it make? Perhaps everyone would be so offended that it would diminish human contact significantly. Perhaps we would learn to accept it as normal and not be so gosh darn sensitive. Should we practice full disclosure and as such, escape all spontaneity, if only to avoid the aftermath of inevitably finding out the motive later?
Last night I learnt a truth: more people than me are in it for themselves; they are equally as skilled in the art of attraction and just because you were the focus of their attention a few times, just because they took the time to know you and “like” you does not mean they want to continue to do so. It means just as little with them as it does at times with me. It’s a harsh thing, that truth but a truth none the less, and the less comfortable side of which to be on. In this way, he is the boy version of me and I don’t know whether this makes me like him more or less.
Surely, when it comes to kissing and other such behaviours, with reasons such as lust, a point to prove, simply because you can, loneliness, because you’re not “supposed” to, because there is no one else, because the person you actually want is unavailable, or simply because it feels really fucking good, the reason “I genuinely like you” is bound to come up a little less than the average girl would expect and want. I rethought what I told him: I don’t like this guy. He doesn’t like me. He is deliciously attractive and wearing a dapper little bow tie, which is all kinds of winning. What does it matter, really? It is only a kiss.
What he was asking of me was not behaviour a “morally sound” person would engage in. There is, I have heard, an unwritten bro code, which states explicitly that a girl is not to come between friends. A girl is especially not to come between brothers. For the guy, well he is not supposed to encourage such behaviour much less partake in it. Many friendships have been lost over this code. So what do I do, when he is asking me to break rule number one on his behalf?
Here’s a question or two: why are people so afraid of being hated? Should it be our intention to go around collecting friends like some sort of fan club, desperate for approval? This is how it works: neutral minded people attract neutral minded people. These are the agreeable type; those afraid of conflict or challenge and as a matter of opinion, there are too many of them. These people collect said fan club of friends and they will have a lot of them, sure. But here’s the thing, if you have too many friends, you’re doing something wrong, for what would the world be if no one stood up for anything, if world leaders didn’t care enough to make a stance, if all people were neutral on topics of importance? How people can be so void of opinion and passion is a foreign concept to me. But I’m afraid we’ve strayed off topic some. Moving on.
Here is another truth: if you have an impure motive you should prepare yourself for judgement, or else not act upon it. Well, let me rephrase. You don’t have to prepare yourself for judgement but ready or not, it will come. We are free to choose our actions, however what we are not free from is the consequence of these actions. If it is your intention as it is mine, to go against social or moral standards, then judgement will surely follow. The rest is up to you. Will you conform, aware of the consequences? Replace original thought, idea or action with the one most widely accepted and refuse originality because it is a little uncomfortable? Will you accept the loss of a friend because you refuse to apologise or regret? Will you not only accept, but embrace it, as those who judge you are not your friend. Or, heaven forbid, will you delight in being deleted off some form of social media? (That really hurt guys, honestly) *Rolls eyes*.
My advice is simple. Never crumble to resentment. Those who judge are entitled to their opinion. Remember this: you never, ever want to strive to be average. Not having an opinion, not having passion will make you such. If you wish to infuriate your haters, stay cool. There is nothing more frustrating to someone who wishes to impose guilt on you than to remain calm. If you let someone anger you, they have conquered you. Do not resent them, for they know no other way. Do not expect anything more from them. We already know my opinions on expectations and happiness. Sure, the life you will be living will be at times uncomfortable. But as opposed to complying, as opposed to merely existing, wasting away, extinguishing well, there is no choice. You will be free.
Even it makes me disagreeable; I shall do what I want. I will play, with people I am not “supposed” to play with, no doubt. And I will like it, for aren’t your younger years a time for selfishness and indulgence? Aren’t they a time to immerse in everything possible thing? Aren’t they a time to explore and to be a little naughty?
It has become an art; last night as with every other, I didn’t try to push the thoughts that disagreed with conventional standards from mind. I no longer repel my desires. To do so is bad for the soul. I leaned forward and kissed him, of course, for there was no good reason to repress such a natural instinct.
And while we’re on the topic, let’s be honest: all the best people are hated anyway.
