Being in a Heaven

April 4^th

It's happened again; I am in lust, and what a hazardous position to be with no confidence in possible reciprocation. What inevitability for it to amount to abandon and despair. And oh, how I long for unrequited lust, for is it not the strongest lust of all? To crave those who can resist us with the hope that they someday cannot. The beauty is in the aching, the agony; in clumsy sentence formation and unfocused thoughts.

And in that moment of surrender: Heaven.

May 27^th

Since holding my hand in front of your friends mine now feels void without yours to clutch, I wish you didn’t do that make me want to touch you so much. Since telling me the things you thought I wanted to hear I cling to the moments when I disagreed, when you told me what you thought was true and how I fought you; you said I was beautiful, I wish you didn’t say that when others tell me now I think of you. Since waking with you tangled in my sheets my legs, your arms reaching around me stroking my stomach each morning hence will fail to satisfy. I wish you were never here in this bed it smells of you and your shape is still in it pressed.

May 29^th

I want to push you away, push you until you fall as hard as me and kick you and scream I want to claw at your skin and tell you you never should have sucked me into this mess I can’t stand it I can’t help it and I don’t know how to. Tell me what to do and once you’re gone, what to do without you.

July 7^th

I still feel you pressed against my sheets, my body lingering over yours and my fingers trailing your honey skin; the contours, your form and the sound of an escaped moan. I still feel you touch me tender like you mean it. I tried to fight affection but you made me feel it. Merciless lust and all of the want; the wild abandoned way you made my body succumb.

July 11^th

They don’t teach you the methods of not hating yourself when somebody doesn't feel the same; that muffled screams into tear soaked pillows will do no justice to explain that all you desire in the world is them. That little slice of heaven.