post 12 : scream

Reluctantly, I get in the car with Jake. After this morning’s antics this could be awkward. We spend the first 15 minutes in silence. I stare out my window to the clear field that just last night was congested with tents and cars. I look in my rear view mirror and see Owen. I look ahead of me and see Tom. To my left is Jake and I want nothing more than to run to the field and scream.

We have moved maybe 10 meters so I put my car into neutral and tuck my leg up onto the seat. It is hot; the wind blows my hair over my face. It makes me think of the night we walked to the beach, instead of to home. We had been out and we were drunk. It was probably close to 3am, autumn and it was hot. We stood ankle deep in the sea laughing loudly, kicking the water up at each other and once we were adequately soaked, started with the mud, collecting handfuls and hurling them but falling short each time. It was so windy that I didn’t see him come towards me through my hair; I only felt him push it away from my face, his hands wet and rough, and say “There, that’s better” sticking my hair to my cheeks with mud and lulling me into a false sense of security before tackling me into the water. We stayed until the sun came up and we built a sandcastle. 

I grab for the hair tie on my wrist and take my hair, throw it up in a bun on the top of my head. I feel the tears hit my cheeks and think fuck this, not again. 

“Alice?” Jake asks, reaching out in an act of comfort and touching my leg.

“Don’t touch me!” I scream at him, and his hand is back in his lap in half an instant. “I’m sorry” I say, hating myself and turn the car off, throw him the keys and run as far away as I can before my legs collapse. I drop to my knees in the middle of the field and scream into my hands to muffle the sound.

*******

The cars have probably moved but I don’t suppose that matters; they won’t leave without me. I sit down. The grass is surprisingly soft for having had so many people trample it. The sun is hot on my back and I’d prefer it on my face so I lie down, palms up, eyes closed and let it burn.

It’s Lola that comes to get me. She leans down, a shadow darkening the black of my eyelids. She touches my hair with the tenderness her brother used to. “Hey” she says, soothing “it’s time to go.” I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to move but she says something that makes me.

“I’m sorry he hurt you.”

I let her take my hand and pull me up. We walk back together in silence.

“Are you alright?” Jake asks me when I get back into the car. We are still close to Tom’s van so I assume he’s moved the car forward and then gone back around to the passenger’s seat.

“No.” I tell him. “I’m not alright.” But then again, neither is he.