post 13 : the topic of love

Let us indulge a little on the topic of love.

I guess I have always felt more comfortable loving than being loved. Whether this is my fiercely private nature unable to let someone in; or unwilling to, or whether I am simply more interested in knowing someone thoroughly and choosing to occupy an, albeit momentary, unwavering love for them despite their flaws, however naive, then having them know mine without the reassurance they won't judge me also. I'm not sure. Perhaps it's both. Perhaps they are the same thing. Either way, I have a tendency to dive well into knowing someone; delicious and refreshing. And for the most, they will let me.

"If not for the comfort of love” is a statement that makes no sense to me. Love is not comforting. Love is demanding and cruel; a self-sacrificing precious thing but for the purposes of merely being precious, a thing people cling to and as such it is also an ever lingering risk of loss. And then there is loss. If not reciprocated; each side equally torturous as the other.

Anger begins to build when I start to notice a person's affection. Be it a defence mechanism or otherwise, I will change my vibe of slight seduction to frank rudeness, verging on insult in order to have them change their mind, as if it is a decision for them to change their mind. It is a contradiction, really, because it was my vibe that placed the thought in their head in the first place. They see this as playful, hard to get even, but they mistake my change in attitude for this almost as an excuse so that they don't have to take the advice that I lay out straight for them; if you continue, you'll ruin this. You can't have everything. If you try, you'll end up with nothing. Though I am sure it is not possible for most to shut down emotion as easily as I do; they continue. I say "they", because if it is one thing, it is a pattern.

The anger increases gradually until they express their feelings and I am forced to either feign a calm and continue until the inevitable phase of "I can't stand you" begins, or cut it off there, ruining the friendship before it has begun and missing the opportunity of getting to know the ins and outs of someone new; my favourite way to pass the time. Which to choose when I know myself well enough to know three things:

1. The inevitable phase of "I can't stand you" will being. It will begin as soon as the desperation begins; the attempt at manufacturing returned feelings through fake cuteness or fake sulking and a general increased annoyance in attitude. It is a pathetic attempt at forcing one into liking another, and subsequently pushing them further away. It is at this point were respect dulls.

2. I will adore them to a point, though the adoration will quickly drain due to unwanted affection and said annoyances.

3. The fact that I adored them in the first place causes more hurt and confusion than if I didn't at all.

But would I stop it at the start, knowing what I know; prevent the cycle? No. And neither would they.

As I am the one that pre-empts said cycle each time, is it not then my responsibility to provide a little for-warning? If I do, I risk the look of arrogance. If I don't, I risk their dignity; their preservation. As a general rule, I choose to not. So what then, does this make me?